Monday, 3 September 2018

More Working Woman's Wonders: Exam policing, leaky roofs and magical chairs!


                                               Addressing the staff on Independence Day

Haven't posted anything in a while since this year's been busy.
I’ve had the unique experience over the past two months of conducting a Departmental Examination. Besides setting question papers, my office was entrusted with doing everything else from screening the candidates’ applications, to choosing the venue, safe custody of question papers, despatching answer sheets and other sundry matters. I employed all kinds of methods to ensure secrecy from using a decoy safe for important papers and setting up CCTV at the exam halls. We also had a meeting with the invigilators a few days before the exam and warned them against helping any candidate.
“But, Madam,” one invigilator said, “Many of the candidates are my friends.”
“If the situation arises and you’re tempted to help your friends, please remember, it’s either your job or theirs," I said, "Which one will you choose?”
When the invigilators trooped out of my office, my driver overheard a couple of them conveying the message to their friends over the phone: “Be careful. No scope for cheating. Things are very strict here; they’ve even got CCTV at the venue.”
As a result of our efforts, forty candidates opted out of the exam! That’s India for you.

Exam over, it was back to work as usual. Monsoon time and one day when it poured heavily, the roof of my sub-office started leaking. Had to since there’s a hatch that leads to the roof with a metal ladder attached to it. Needless to say, the hatch never closes properly. When I stepped out of my room, I found water gushing from the third floor to the ground floor. The sweeper was trying in vain to wipe it up. I called my officer in charge of administration, and a small crowd gathered, as we all stared up at the leaky roof.
“This is ridiculous. Does it happen every time it rains?” I asked.
“Yes, Madam.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
No response. Everyone gazed at the offending hatch as if a solution would present itself.
“Maybe you could find a way to close the hatch properly?”
Everyone brightened. Clearly, the thought hadn’t struck them. And there they stood, with water falling in buckets, discussing how to plug it! I returned to my room, fetched an umbrella, and made my way down the staircase, warning them:
“I’m not going to visit until you solve this problem.”
Only after getting into the car did I realize it wasn’t the most effective ultimatum. Now, they had every reason to delay the repairs!

Meetings, seminars and conferences are the cornerstones of government work. I have a fully equipped conference room but sometimes, when there are only a few visitors, I choose to meet them in my office chamber. But this presents certain logistical problems to my staff. Particularly if the peon is new or nervous. I was expecting six people for a meeting one morning. The peon came in all flustered and announced that they’d arrived.
“Okay, send them in,” I said. “But, first, don’t you think we need more chairs?”
There were only three opposite my desk.
The guy frowned and scratched his head, unable to find a correlation between the number of chairs and number of future occupants of the said seats.
I decided to go through it slowly.
“How many chairs do you see?” I asked.
“Three,” he said.
“Very good. Now, tell me, how many people will there be for the meeting?”
“Six.”
“Plus, our own officers? Shri So and So. Two more people? And my steno to record the minutes?”
“Yes, Madam,” he said with a satisfied look.
“Great. So, could you bring in some more chairs?”
“Yes, Madam.”
He ducked out of the room and returned soon after with two chairs. And then some more…and the chairs kept coming and coming. Wooden chairs, plastic chairs…until there was barely standing space. Talk about chairing a meeting…

Monday, 15 January 2018

The Art of Insults

There's so much more to the art of insults than using profanities or the 'F' word. As a writer, I'm always on the look out for good examples of great insults. After all, it's more interesting and challenging to insult someone well than to praise them, don't you agree. Praise is easy and a little dull but cutting into somebody with the perfect quip- ah, that's something else. The masters, who've gone before us, have shown us the way. Here are some great examples of memorable insults!


'If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off.'
                        Kurt Vonnegut in Timequake

'I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.'
                                  Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

'I'm not saying he's stupid, but his autobiography won't be called: The Man Who Knew Too Much!'
                         Jerry Dennis, English Comedian

'I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception.'
                             Groucho Marx

The Bard was a great one for killing it with his incredible vocabulary. The following are some of Shakespeare's best insults.




And here are some more!

'Stop worrying about growing old. And think about growing up.'
                                         Philip Roth, The Dying Animal


'I misjudged you...You're not a moron. You're only a case of arrested development'.
                                   Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

'The more I read Socrates, the less I wonder why they poisoned him.'
                                   Thomas Macaulay

'He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it.'
                                   T. S. Eliot on Henry James

And here's the trailor of the movie, The Importance of Being Earnest. Lots of fun, wit, and...insults!





Saturday, 21 October 2017

My Favourite Shakespeare Plays & Why

Here’s my list:
11)   Hamlet
22)   Macbeth
33)   Julius Caesar
44)   Antony & Cleopatra
55)   The Tempest
66)   Much Ado About Nothing
77)   Coriolanus
88)   Richard III
99)   Romeo & Juliet
110)   The Merchant of Venice



This is David Tennant playing Hamlet.

 The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark or simply Hamlet

Written between 1599 and 1602 when Shakespeare’s creativity was at its height. It’s the longest and most performed Shakespeare play and, no wonder, too.
The Plot in brief (in case there are some people out there unfamiliar with it):
 Hamlet’s father King Hamlet dies and his brother Claudius takes over the throne and marries the queen Gertrude, Hamlet’s mother. Hamlet is in mourning and suspects something’s amiss when he encounters his father’s ghost, which reveals that Claudius had murdered him. The ghost also exhorts Hamlet to avenge his death. This throws the young prince into a quandary: can he take such an extreme step based on the testimony of a ghost? And how can he come to terms with his own mother’s betrayal? The dilemma leads to chaos all round and there’s plenty of collateral damage notably Ophelia, Hamlet’s betrothed, who commits suicide by drowning. By the end of the play all the major characters suffer mostly violent deaths. Only Hamlet’s friend Horatio lives to tell the tale. With the entire Danish royal family wiped out Fortinbras, a Norwegian Prince takes the throne of Denmark.
What makes it a great play:
Where does one begin? It’s the characters, the unforgettable soliloquies and the poignant struggle at the heart of the play. Is Hamlet mad? Does he have repressed desires? Is he an existentialist? Is he simply a sensitive young man thrown into an unfortunate circumstance? It’s one of the most quoted plays replete with memorable lines such as:
There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”
To be, or not to be; that is the question...”
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...”
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all...”
Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.”
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
I must be cruel only to be kind.”
The list goes on and on. I can never tire of Hamlet.

Poster of the movie Macbeth with Michael Fassbender playing the title role.
The Tragedy of Macbeth or simply Macbeth
Was probably first performed in 1606 during King James I’s reign. It’s Shakespeare’s shortest tragedy and one of my absolute favourites.
The Plot in brief:
Macbeth is a valiant Scottish general, who receives a prophesy from three witches that one day he will be king. Spurred on by his ‘vaulting ambition’ and encouraged by his wife, he murders the good King Duncan and usurps the throne of Scotland. But guilt and fear over the consequences of his action drives him and his wife to madness and then death, but not before they take down a number of other victims. Lots of blood and gore presented with the kind of poetic beauty that only Shakespeare could master.
What makes it a great play:
Not just the fast paced action and the audacious violence but the heart wrenching angst of Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.  All this, expressed beautifully in lines such as:
Stars, hide your fires; Let not Light see my black and deep desires.”
Life...is a tale told my an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow.
Creeps in this pretty pace from day to day;
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.”
To beguile the time, look like the time...
Look like the innocent flower,
But be the serpent under it.”
Nothing in his life became him like leaving it.”


 A poster of the movie of Shakespeare's Julius Caesar with Marlon Brando in the title role.
The Tragedy of Julius Caesar
Probably written in 1599. It was the first play to be performed at The Globe theatre where Shakespeare and the Lord Chamberlain’s Men enacted several plays. One of three Roman plays based on true events that Shakespeare dramatized. The other two, Antony & Cleopatra and Coriolanus, are also on this list.
The Plot in brief:
Julius Caesar has just returned to Rome after defeating Pompey’s sons and the people are celebrating his triumph. But a section of the nobility led by Cassius want him dead because they fear he will become a dictator and a tyrant. Mark Antony is his close friend and Brutus, a friend who gets influenced by Cassius and plots to have Caesar killed. A soothsayer predicts Caesar’s death and Caesar’s wife, too, has terrible premonitions but Caesar dismisses them both and visits the senate, where he is stabbed by Cassius, other noblemen and, finally by Brutus. At this point he utters the famous line: “Et tu, Brute?” (And you, Brutus?), before falling dead. The assassins do not flee the scene but stay and try and justify their actions to the crowd. They seem to win the public over. But then with a clever speech over Caesar’s body, Mark Antony turns the public opinion against them. In the end, the conspirators are killed and Mark Antony pays tribute to Brutus, calling him ‘the noblest Roman of them all’ because he acted (in his opinion) for the good of Rome.
Why the Play is great:
Because Shakespeare takes a historical event- the assassination of Julius Caesar- and presents it like a morality play, dealing with subjects of loyalty, ambition, republicanism and monarchism. Mark Antony’s masterly speech is replete with sarcasm and satire of a high quality. As usual, the verse is awesome.
Here are some of its best and most famous lines:
Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.”
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.”
Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!”
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”
O judgement! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason...”
Beware the ides of March.”
Not that I loved Caesar less, but I loved Rome more.”
What a terrible era in which idiots govern the blind.”
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.”

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor playing Antony and Cleopatra
The Tragedy of Antony & Cleopatra
First performed in 1607 by Shakespeare’s company the King’s Men (formerly the Chamberlain’s Men). The second Roman play in the Bard’s repertoire, a kind of sequel to Julius Caesar.
The Plot in brief:
Roman general Mark Antony is besotted with the Egyptian Queen Cleopatra and neglects his duties in Rome. Emperor Octavius Caesar asked him to return and help him subdue the pirates of the Mediterranean. Cleopatra begs him not to go but he leaves after affirming his undying love for her. This episode sets the tone for the play, most of which depicts Antony’s dilemma of choosing between duty and love. Cleopatra is seen as a prize catch for the Romans and they keep trying to entrap her one way or the other. After several battles and conspiracies, Cleopatra pretends to be dead. Antony wounds himself mortally and dies in her arms. She is captured by Octavius and commits suicide by getting bitten by an asp. They are buried side by side.
What makes this play great:
Shakespeare’s complex characterization of the two lead protagonists. Both of them are flawed but full of passion. The play is beautiful and lyrical, full of twists and turns, never boring.
Here are some of its best lines:
But she makes hungry where she most satisfies.”
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety.”
My salad days/ when I was green in judgement, cold in blood,
To say as I said then!”
Egypt, thou knews’t too well,
My heart was to thy rudder tied by th’ strings,
And thou shoulds’t tow me after.”
I am fire and air; my other elements I give to baser life.”
“...`Tis paltry to be Caesar;
Not being Fortune, he’s but Fortune’s knave.”
I dreamed there was an Emperor Antony...
His legs bestrid the ocean; his rear’d arm
Crested the world.”

The Tempest



 The Tempest
Fantasy, romance, adventure- The Tempest is Shakespeare’s genre-defying masterpiece. Written probably around 1610-11, it’s one of the Bard’s last plays and most mature ones.
The plot in brief:
Prospero, the Duke of Milan, is shipwrecked on an island along with his young daughter Miranda. His Dukedom is usurped by his brother Antonio, who is supported by Alonso, the King of Naples. Prospero acquires magical powers with his great learning and lives on the island for twelve years with Ariel, a good spirit who does his bidding, and Caliban, the wicked son of a witch. When Antonio and Alonso set out to sea with their sons, Prospero causes a great tempest, which shipwrecks them and brings them to the same island. In a complex plot involving twists and turns, Prospero gets his revenge but pardons his enemies; gets his position back and marries off Miranda to Alonso’s son Ferdinand.
What makes the play great:
The Tempest is an awesome fun ride involving fantasy, sorcery and the age-old theme of revenge. Some critics have also seen Prospero as a reflection of Shakespeare himself and they’ve called the play one of the Bard’s last treatises on the condition of the soul. The intricate plot is amazing and, yes, magical, too.
Here are some of its best lines, some of which you’ve definitely heard before:
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.”
Me, poor man, my library
Was Dukedom large enough.”
Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.”
Your tale, sir, would cure deafness.”

A poster of the ensemble cast of Much Ado About Nothing. Directed by Kenneth Branagh, who also played the lead role of Benedick (later he became famous in the TV show Wallander)
Much Ado About Nothing
A clever comedy written around 1588-89, Much Ado About Nothing is out and out fun and contains some of the best dialogues in all of Shakespeare.
The plot in brief:
Shakespeare relies upon gossip, overhearing and misunderstanding to create a chaotic comedy. The action takes place in Messina, where a nobleman Leonato entertains Prince Don Pedro and his entourage, which includes Benedick and Claudio. Benedick is Leonato’s niece Beatrice’s former lover, while Claudio seeks to woo Leonato’s daughter Hero. Stirring the pot is Don Pedro’s estranged brother Don John, who describes himself as ‘a plain-dealing villain.’ Benedick and Beatrice are tricked into confessing their love for each other; Claudio is tricked into believing Hero is false and he rejects her at the altar but then the confusion is cleared up and the play ends with a grand ball to celebrate both couples’ wedding.
What makes the play great:
Much Ado does not rely on slapstick comedy. Laughs arise from clever plotting and great dialogue, especially between Benedick and Beatrice. And since it’s a comedy, although there are some heart-stopping moments, you know everything will turn out fine in the end.
Some of the best lines from the play:
Let me be that I am and seek not to alter me.”
I wish my horse had the speed of your tongue.”
If her breath were as terrible as her terminations, there were no living near her, she would infect to the North Star!”
She speaks poniards and every word stabs.”

A poster of the movie version of Coriolanus directed by Ralph Fiennes. 
Coriolanus
A tragedy believed to have been written between 1605 and 1608. It’s Shakespeare’s third great Roman tragedy after Julius Caesar and Antony & Cleopatra. A passionate and riveting portrait of the fall of a hero.
The plot in brief:
Caius Marcius Coriolanus is a Roman general who returns after victory in battle to find unrest at home. He’s drawn into politics and tries to become a leader but is quickly deposed due to his forthright nature and inability to play false. He tries to forge an alliance with his bitter enemy Tullus Aufidius but events spiral out of control and he is betrayed and killed.
What makes the play great:
Strong characterization; the rivalry between Coriolanus and Aufidius; Coriolanus’ overbearing, scheming mother and, as always, wonderful lines. The plot is simple but the action is fast-paced and not to be missed.
Some of its best lines:
They lie deadly that tell you have good faces.”
Why did you wish me milder? Would you have me
False to my nature? Rather say I play
The man I am.”
If e’er I meet him beard to beard, he’s mine or I am his.”
Nature teaches beasts to know their friends.”
“...he is a lion/ That I am proud to hunt.”
O, me alone! Make you a sword of me?”

Richard III
The second longest Shakespeare play (Hamlet is the longest, in case you’ve forgotten), one of his early works, written in 1592. It describes the rise of Gloucester (Richard III) to the throne of England and his subsequent decline. The only history play in my first ten list, although the rest are lovely, too.
The plot in brief:
Richard is an ugly, deformed hunchback with a grouse against the world in general and filled with greedy ambition. His brother Edward IV has just ascended the throne of England and Richard is determined to oust him. He murders, marries and schemes to usurp the throne only to have events spiralling out of control. In the end he’s haunted by his own evil deeds and dies in the Battle of Bosworth Field.
What makes the play great:
Richard III was hugely popular in Shakespeare’s time with the great Richard Burbage usually reprising the lead role. It’s the lure of the anti-hero, whose ugliness and evil character is strangely riveting. Besides this, there’s plenty of gore and action to keep the audience glued. Great poetry, as usual.
Some of my favourite lines:
Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious by this sun of York.”
I am determined to prove a villain
And hate the idle pleasures of these days.”
So wise so young, they say, do never live long.”
My conscience hath a thousand several tongues,
And every tongue brings in a several tale,
And every tongue condemns me for a villain.”
Conscience is but a word that cowards use, devised at first to keep the strong in awe.”
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!”
Tis better, sir, to be brief than tedious.”
I am in/ So far in blood that sin with pluck on sin.”

Romeo & Juliet
One of Shakespeare’s oldest and most famous plays, probably written between 1591 and 1595. It’s his most performed play along with Hamlet. Filled with wonderful verse and a tight plot that has action and romance at every turn.
The plot in brief:
The action is set in Verona, Italy and it revolves round the rivalry between two young lovers Romeo and Juliet, whose families are bitter enemies. The purity of the lovers’ affections is constantly juxtaposed with the hatred all round them. Romeo and Juliet marry in secret and the attending priest hopes this will serve to reconcile their families but in a tragic twist of fate that turns of a terrible misunderstanding, Romeo kills himself when he discovers Juliet is dead (by drinking poison, or so he thinks). She wakes up, sees him dead and stabs herself. The warring families meet at the tomb but it’s too late.
Why the play is great:
What can one say about a play like this, which is so entrenched in popular culture that the names Romeo and Juliet have become synonymous with star-crossed lovers? It’s beautifully written and interesting even though the plot is so well-known.
The best lines:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”
Don’t waste your love on somebody, who doesn’t value it.”
Good night, goodnight! Parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.”
Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs.”
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.”

A poster of the movie version of The Merchant of Venice with Al Pacino playing Shylock.
The Merchant of Venice
Probably written between 1596 and 1599, a comedy with serious themes. It’s one of the most read plays in India since it is part of the school curriculum.
The plot in brief:
Although it’s a well known play, I’m summing up the plot in case there are some people out there unfamiliar with it. Young Venetian noblemen Antonio and Bassanio fall into the clutches of ruthless moneylender Shylock when Antonio stands guarantor for Bassanio’s loan of three thousand ducats. When Bassanio fails to pay up, Shylock demands his pound of flesh- literally (as per their agreement). Bassanio’s wife the beautiful and intelligent Portia saves the day by disguising as a male lawyer and outwitting Shylock by highlighting to the court that a Jew may not shed Christian blood. So Shylock cannot have his pound of flesh since he cannot cut Antonio.
What makes this play great:
The anti semitic theme in the play is a problem and it’s certainly distasteful but if one were to see it merely as part of Shylock’s villainous nature then the play is great fun. Besides, Shakespeare gives Shylock an elegant and touching speech in which he asks famously: “Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew...healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is?” Such a sympathetic portrait of a greedy moneylender is unusual for Shakespeare’s time. The play has great dramatic scenes and we wait for the ending with glee even though we know it so well. That’s the power of Shakespeare.
Some of its wonderful lines:
All that glitters is not gold.”
You speak an infinite deal of nothing.”
With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.”
The devil can cite scripture for his purpose.”
The quality of mercy is not strain’d
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath...”
I hold the world but as a world, Gratiano, A stage where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.”
Love is blind.”

 This post is in celebration of the release of my novel, The Shakespeare Murders!












Sunday, 15 October 2017

Shakespeare's Fellow Actors

Shakespeare's Fellow Players (As Actors were called in those days)
Who were they?
You'll meet them in


It was tough being an actor in the 16th and 17th century. They had to perform up to ten plays every fortnight, sometimes get their lines (from the prompter) DURING the performance, fend off the plague and save themselves from puritanical authorities. Players unattached to any particular company were liable to be arrested for vagrancy.
Shakespeare and his fellow players were unique because they survived all this and prospered. First they acquired the patronage of the Baron Hunsdon, who went on to become The Lord Chamberlain, an important position in Queen Elizabeth's court. He was manager of her household. Thus, they came to be known as The Chamberlain's Men. After Elizabeth's death, King James ascended the throne and gave them his patronage. So they became The King's Men.This extraordinary success was largely because of Shakespeare's genius but his fellow players were important, too, in ensuring the continuous success of one particular company.

Let's meet some of them:


Richard Burbage (1567-1619): The lead actor. Like Shakespeare, born in Stratford. Married to Winifred. Father of seven. Played all the great lead parts like Richard III, Hamlet, King Lear, Othello. Shakespeare's close friend. A talented painter, too. This picture is believed to be a self-portrait. Lived in the prosperous parish of St. Mary Aldermanbury. His neighbours were John Heminges and Henry Condell, the players who compiled Shakespeare's First Folio after his death. Richard and his older brother Cuthbert together owned 50% shares in The Globe.

John Heminges: Actor and the Company's Accountant-cum- Treasurer. Eight years older than Shakespeare but he outlived the Bard and, as mentioned above, compiled the First Folio. That was in 1623. Married Rebecca Knell and they had thirteen children! He was a grocer, too, and owned an Ale House. In the preface to the First Folio he and Condell say they did it "to keep the memory of so worth a friend and fellow alive as was our Shakespeare". The world owes them big time! He was one of the six sharers in The Globe.

Augustine Phillips: Actor and the Company Manager. One of the six sharers. Was married. Had six children. Was a talented musician, too. Wealthy. Gave loans.

Henry Condell: Actor and Wardrobe Manager. Married an heiress Elizabeth Smart. Had nine children! Owned a country home in Fulham.

Thomas Pope: Actor and one of the six sharers. Played comic parts mostly such as Falstaff, Dogberry, Peter (in Romeo & Juliet). Also worked as an entertainer in the Danish Court in 1586. Could have provided Shakespeare some local flavour for Hamlet.

Robert Armin: Principal comedian and a Master of Fencing. Also wrote pamphlets about the art of comedy. Played the Fool in King Lear, Clown Feste in Twelfth Night and Touchstone in As You Like It.
These were the main players. You'll meet many others in the novel. The stage they performed on would've looked something like this:

Here's a clip from the movie Shakespeare In Love to give you an idea of how rehearsals might've taken place during Shakespeare's time. Joseph Fiennes is playing Shakespeare. You'll also recognize Gwenyth Paltrow as his mistress and Ben Affleck as Ned Alleyn, a real rival to Richard Burbage.

Don't forget to get your copy of The Shakespeare Murders at a bookstore near you or Amazon or Flipcart!


Monday, 9 October 2017

The Shakespeare Murders: Synopsis


My new novel, The Shakespeare Murders, releasing October 2017.

Publisher: Tara, an imprint of India Research Press

Agent: Anuj Bahri of the Red Ink Literary Agency, New Delhi

Brief synopsis:

It’s 1602 and William Shakespeare is at the height of his popularity. South of the River Thames in the borough of Southwark, the Globe playhouse dominates the skyline. The Chamberlain’s Men, led by Richard Burbage, functions there. Shakespeare is their in-house playwright. Burbage’s acting prowess combined with Shakespeare’s literary talent make the Globe the most successful theatre of its time. Other playhouses fall into ruin. Suddenly, in early August, someone begins targeting the players one by one. As the body count piles up and witnesses vanish, The Lord Chamberlain requisitions the services of Geoffrey Drake, a knight with proven detective skills, to unravel the mystery. Drake goes undercover as Shakespeare’s distant cousin Geoffrey Dupont and quickly draws up a list of suspects that includes among others Shakespeare’s younger brother Edmund, who resents the Bard for denying him a career on stage; players present at the scenes of the murders; and Shakespeare’s erstwhile mentor Phil Henslowe of The Admiral’s Men. Besides this, Drake must also unmask the man behind the attempt on Shakespeare’s life at the Lord Chamberlain’s ball. Could it be the Bard’s mistress Marie Blackburn’s husband? Had the same contract killer been knocking off the Chamberlain’s Men? Or is the murderer one of the players?
Will Sir Geoffrey Drake succeed in saving the greatest literary genius of the London Stage?

The novel is expected to be available for pre-order on Amazon from October 10th and in stores from Sunday, October 15th. Happy Reading!

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Working Woman's Wonders- Part Three


                    All in a day's work. Launch of a mobile app for my office. Hon'ble MP Smt. Kirron Kher                    was the Chief Guest.


                                              At the Telecom Minister's function in Panchkula


                                                               Sports Meet 2016

To sum up my job in a nutshell: it’s management of time, resources, and people. I’m constantly looking for ways to keep my office staff busy, else they lapse into a state of desultory wakefulness interspersed with bouts of petty squabbles. We have about twenty-five new recruits- Lower Division Clerks and Junior Accountants. A number of them seem to consider this as an extension of College-life, rather than Central Government. They play truant often by reporting late for work or simply calling in sick just before or after a holiday. In view of this I’ve become quite strict about attendance and granting leave. The youngsters have become correspondingly creative in making up excuses to support their leave requests.

There are the usual, of course:
‘Mother is ill’,
‘Mother-in-law is ill’,
‘Brother/ sister getting married’,’
‘Aunt/ Uncle died’ and so on.

The hype surrounding leave has affected the more senior officials, too, particularly Jeevanji (featured in my previous posts about Working Woman’s Wonders). He’s in his mid-fifties, a Supervisory level officer. And he takes leave only too often. He came to me a few days ago, begging for two days’ leave, Thursday and Friday so it would give him four straight days off.
“But you took time off only last month,” I said, “You can’t keep doing this. I’ve warned you...”
“Madam, it’s unavoidable,” he said, “There’s been a death in the family. The cremation is tomorrow. I have to go.”
“Who is it this time?” I demanded, since he’d already accounted for his parents, father-in-law, grandparents, maternal and paternal uncles and aunts. Besides, his mother-in-law is perpetually on her death bed- a candidate for the future, no doubt.
“My uncle,” said Jeevanji and added before I could quiz him further: “If you don’t believe me, I...I can send you a video of the cremation tomorrow and I’ll share it through wattsapp!”
He had me there.
“No, thank you,” I said, “That’ll be kind-of disrespectful to the...corpse, don’t you think?”
Needless to say, I granted him leave.

As always there’ve been the usual bloopers in files, too.

-Are personnel or personals to be deputed for training? My office mixes them up frequently.

-Should the requirements of a tender be fool proof or full proof? My office favours the latter.

-And then came this gem of a request from my admin. section:
‘Approval may kindly be given for hiring ½ labourer tomorrow.’
I was tempted to ask: which half? The top or the bottom?

-Our hon’ble judges in CAT are not immune to such innovative uses of language, either. While ruling against my department and in favour of an employee, the judge wrote by way of explanation: ‘After all, a lot of water has flown into the river by now.’
Not under the bridge, mind. Er...yes, Your Honour. Where else is water supposed to flow? And, sorry, but I’ve never heard of flying water.

Here's one of my favourite scenes from As Good As It Gets: Melvin's day at the office!